July 2011
Until I realised this wasn't a cake I was feeling...
“Wait, Beyonce’s BLACK?!”
– my brother
Once I apologised to Keith Richards for drooling on his face. “Once” meaning right now, and “Keith Richards” meaning a book cover with his face on it.
Watching 'No Strings Attached' with brother
Ashton Kutcher, crying: Know this. If you come any closer, I will never let you go.
My brother: *farts in hand, tastes fingers*
Just some harmless latent racism, whatever
[telling mum about Benjamin Law’s book and how it’s been nominated for a bunch of awards]
Me: It’s interesting how that’s getting really popular all of a sudden.
Mum: What, Asians?
Me: Oh my god Mum, no, that style of writing.
“Welcome to my lair of kittens”
– Joey
Shakira
Dad: There’s something illegal about her hips.
James: They don’t lie.
Dad: I want to go, you stay and order your churros.
Mum: No we’ll all go, forget about the churros.
Joey: I WANT MY CHURRO
Mum: OH FUCK YOUR CHURRO
Some fatherly advice for Joey
Dad to Joey: You know what you should be? You should be an exotic entertainer.
Me: You know that means stripper, right?
Dad: Yeah.
My father, P Diddy
Dad: Ciroc... What is this...Ciroc? (pronouncing it "ker-rock")
Me: Again, that's not how you pronounce it.
Dad: Ciroc... What is this... Ciroc? (pronouncing it "ser-rock")
Me: That's P Diddy's vodka of choice. He promotes it.
Dad: P Diddy?! P Diddy drinks this?!
Me: Yep.
Dad: So P Diddy drinks Ciroc. And so do I.
(he pauses)
Dad: Hey!!! MY name could also be P Diddy! My name is Peter, and my last name begins with D, SO I AM P DIDDY!!!
(no response)
Dad: I AM P DIDDY!!!
Me: Fine, you're P Diddy.
Dad: I am P Diddy and I drink Ciroc.
Me: You've probably had enough Ciroc.
